A book by Nora Tallman, CNM
Coping with pain is a significant aspect of childbirth and usually, suggestions for getting through labor are mechanical and physical. Many books and classes focus on doing this or that position or technique, and there is sound science behind all of it for sure. However, not many of them dig deeper into what it means on the inside when we are trying to cope –when we hit a wall and try to find the way to move beyond it with courage: the path, the struggle, the transformation.
My births were easy compared to some of the births I have witnessed. Still, nothing I did to get ready prepared me for how every fiber of my being would respond. Similarly, nothing I tell my clients can prepare them for this either. Each labor is a deeply personal journey of self-exploration and expansion. That said, it helps to read about the inner work we will encounter and Nora Tallman gives us just that in her book.
Intention matters when setting out on any path, and a core part of preparing for the pain of childbirth is a labor of the heart, mind, and soul. We have innate strengths and capabilities for doing this work and, paradoxically perhaps, it is acceptance and surrender that allows us to move through it all. This is something that our babies, the other participants, do so very naturally: They are open to the process; they have no other choice. We don't either.
We all encounter a moment and hit a wall during labor where it feels impossible to move on. In that moment, there is nothing more there and we can feel lost. All we can imagine are the terrible things that happen beyond it: more pain, more exhaustion, sometimes feeling like this is dying and we can't even care. We may ask someone to just take the baby out.
The deep work of labor, however, is not about trying to avoid all this or trying to get comfortable. There really is no such thing at some point. At some point, all that exists is acceptance and surrender, where we have to embracing all of what we feel so that when we hit that wall, we can remember that the wall is not the end. How do we know? Because so many have been where you are and got through it.
"Our satisfaction from our birth experience is not dependent on getting the birth we want, but rather wanting the birth we get."
Acceptance and surrender are maybe especially important when things go differently than anticipated so that we don’t drown in feelings of blame and guilt and so that, in the end, "our satisfaction from our birth experience is not dependent on getting the birth we want; but rather wanting the birth we get." – Nora Tallman
As a doula, my job is to be with my clients when they face their wall or a fork in the road when different decisions than anticipated need to be made. I remind them that they can move through it with courage. I remind them that I am Courage – I and all the other women before them with me. No position change or trick will do in those deep and all-demanding moments. No one can move beyond the wall for someone else. We all have to courageously respond with willingness to our unique process, no matter what it looks like, and accept it.
The rite of passage into parenthood is in the journey itself, each time with each baby and each birth, because birth relates to the inner experience of a process and a deep transformation. I don’t know any other book that brings all of this out so very beautifully.
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